IF

 IF

 

     When I wake up, the sun has not yet risen. Annoyed at my cat for waking me up when I already won't have enough sleep to prepare for tomorrow's workday, I just ignore her meowing, probably asking for an early morning snack, and I go back to sleep.
    Then I wake up again, and the sunlight is already hitting my face, peeking through my window. But after checking my phone next to me, once again I get annoyed. There's still 25 minutes to go before the alarm I set goes off, so I hit snooze and go back to sleep.
    Soon, I wake up again to the loud ringing alarm bell. Finally ready to wake up, I stretch my limbs, feeling fresh after enough hours of sleep. But then I learn the truth. It's not my first alarm, not even the snooze, but it's the eleventh alarm I set the night before, knowing beforehand I won't wake up on the first ring.
    I run to the toilet, I rinse my body for two minutes, I brush my teeth with only a few strokes, I wear any clothes I can see in my room even though they could be worn already and I forgot to put them in the laundry basket, I drive like a Formula One driver that I always try to imitate on the road, I arrive at the office, and I'm still already an hour and a half late.
    Tonight, I set the alarm again for tomorrow. But I'm not stupid, I won't make the same mistake, so I set 20 alarms at different times instead of 15 yesterday. But tomorrow comes, and I still wake up to the 11th alarm. Again, and again, and again.
    I ask myself, "Why can't I just wake up?"
    But I know the answer already.
    It's because I sleep at three a.m. every day watching YouTube but wanting to wake up at 8 and still hoping I get 8 hours of quality sleep.
    So I ask again, "Maybe I should sleep at 12 so I get 8 hours of sleep, right?"
    But I don't want to answer it. Because I don't like the answer.
    I want to spend my night browsing on my phone, watching some cute cat videos or clips of people falling and hurting themselves so I can have a few laughs before sleep. I want to chat with my friends and complain that I have work tomorrow and say I should probably sleep early today, but of course I won't.
    So I just keep repeating the same cycle of days, over and over again. And 10 years later, I complain that my life is not the life I expected. I hope for too much but don't try hard to get it. I hope for 8 hours of sleep but I only sleep for 5 hours.
    If only I lowered my expectations, maybe I could have the life I expected by now. If only I increased my effort, maybe I could exceed my expectations. But it's too late, because it's only IF.